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Tag Archives: Don Harman

Lies Chelsea Handler Told Me: Book Review

12 May

Here’s a lie Chelsea Handler told me, this book is hilarious.

To say I am disappointed would be an understatment.

That’s the summary of my review.  If you read further, please be aware of these disclaimers:

My review may reveal things that would ruin the book if you’re going to read it.  I don’t want to spoil it for you.

If you choose to play the video, please make sure your kids aren’t around.

If you’re easily offended, don’t play the video.

If you’re related to me, I don’t have an undestanding of what they are taking about in the video.

That being said, I love Chelsea Handler.  I really, really do.

And I’ve liked her since the Girls Behaving Badly days.

She must be missing those days because the whole book is about her staff and family revealing the pranks she played on them.  And Chelsea is known for being involved in some wonderful pranks.

The Girls Behaving Badly pranks were hilarious, the pranks in the book are horrible and often degrading.  Honestly, it makes Chelsea seem like a huge annoying bully.

The book was so poorly written it was a distraction.  I spent part of the time wondering why that paragraph, this page or a chapter was even in the book.

If an editor got ahold of the book, because apparently they didn’t, and took out all the bizarre, random filler and fluff and condensed it in a more succinct manner, the amount of content left could be exchanged in an email or two.

Reading it was uncomfortable.  It made you feel like your friends took this incredible trip where all these crazy, funny things happened but you weren’t there so they tell you all about it and show you pictures and they blather on and on about it and laugh and laugh and it’s just annoying and not funny because you weren’t there.

A more appropriate title may have been, “You had to be there.”

Chelsea, as an author, has been very successful.  She released My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands in 2005, Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea, in my opinion her best, in 2009 and Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang in 2010.  I think she needs to switch it up.

Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me should have been a video because reading about pranks is just lame.

Here’s a breakdown for who contributed and a little about the prank:

Johnny ‘Kansas’ Milord:  I think he’s the producer of Chelsey Lately.  He wrote mostly about Chelsea giving him wedgies, dumping a jar of salsa on his office chair and hiding turkey meatballs in the backseat of his new car.  But I laughed out loud when I read about how she got on his computer and sent emails pretending they were from him.  One was to a new production assistant saying:

“Welcome to the team, buddy.  I love what you’re wearing today.  I think we’re going to hit it off.  What size shoe do you wear?  XOXOXO  Johnny.”

This inspires me, so beware.

Stephanie Stehling:  Chelsea and Stephanie were bridesmaids for a mutual friend.  The bride was going to sing at the wedding reception which apparently was not a good idea.  Chelsea convinced Stephanie that the bride wanted Stephanie to sing with her but was too shy about asking her.   Of course this was a lie and Stephanie belted out Shania Twain’s “From This Moment” to the surprise of the new bride.  This is even hard to believe.

She also convinced her to smuggle ecstasy through the airport–in that special way women can smuggle things–only to discover it was not ecstasy but Excedrin.

Heather McDonald:  gets bagels and cream cheese thrown at her face by Chelsea.  Chelsea told Heather this lavish story about how she was going to be in a movie with Meryl Streep and it was a comedy about the Challenger explosion.  Seriously?  After a few days, she tells her the studio would like Heather to pitch some scenes for the movie.  Heather spends the day writing ideas only to find out Chelsea was lying and she flips out because she missed a pool party at Kardashians.  Gag.

Roy Handler:  Chelsea’s brother is a tool.  His portion of the book was written so poorly, I almost couldn’t stand it.  Here’s an example:

“Simone (sister) was the only one who could take Chelsea aside and knock some sense into her.  She would share words of encouragement that seemed to have an impact.  Glen (brother) was good with numbers so he helped Chelsea with business affairs and taxes.  What business affairs a ten-year-old had, I didn’t know and didn’t ask.  At a certain point my father had had it with Chelsea, but reform school was out, because it was too expensive.”

What the hell is he even talking about?  Can someone interpret that for me?

His whole chapter was about how Chelsea helped him hook up with women.  This statement might explain why he needs that kind of help from his sister, of all people.  Chelsea was lying to him about her makeup artist having a crush on him,

 “… I was finding what they were saying very interesting.  Plus, I hadn’t been with a makeup artist before.  I had heard they’re pretty crazy in the sack.”

Tool.

If you read the book, I suggest you skip this entire chapter.  Reading it was like being forced to listen to your junior high brother talk endlessly about what a stud he is and how he’s banging all these chicks when clearly he’s not and everyone thinks he’s a moron.

Brad Wollack: is unbelievably neurotic, so much that it may rub up on you.  I got nervous and paranoid just reading this chapter.  While he was on his honeymoon (someone married him?) he was told that the writers for the Chelsea Lately show were going to have their picture taken for Time magazine.  He went into total freak out mode and insisted on leaving the honeymoon two days early so he can make it back in time for the picture.  He changed his plane ticket which cost $1500 only to realize it was another lie.  Then had to pay to reinstate the tickets.

I don’t know Chelsea Lately.  I haven’t worked with her, obviously, I just read the book but I already know not to believe a word she says.  Why do these people keep falling for it?

Chelsea Handler has caused me extreme turmoil, angst, fear, and thousands of dollars in psychiatry bills that aren’t covered by my insurance.  However, in the end, I’ve realized what this all means:  if Chelsea takes the time and energy out of her insanely hectic life and goes to extraordinary lengths to screw yours up royally,  leaving you utterly humiliated and degraded, then you’ll know you’re good to go.  She clearly loves you.

These people have some issues.

Amber Mazzola went on a trip with Chelsea and other staff.  She went to bed early so for her punishment, apparently, Chelsea called her the next morning and told her the hotel was flooding and she had to pack up all her things and leave.  See how I explained that in two sentences?  Amber explained it in about four pages and it still wasn’t funny.

Josh Wolf:  Chelsea lies to Josh’s wife about betting on sporting events and winning thousands of dollars.  This convinces his wife to start gambling.  His wife reports she loses thousands and Josh has to pay the bookie.  When he shows up to pay he finds out Chelsea had lied.  Blah.  Boring and not funny.  But it’s OK because, look at him.

That’s OK, Josh.  You don’t worry your cute little face about being funny.  You just sit there and give everyone a little wave.  There you go.  Good job.

Shoshonna Handler:  Chelsea’s sister write pages and pages about how she and Chelsea had a lemonade stand and when business slowed down, Chelsea made a sign that said they were raffling tickets to meet Carly Simon.  Yawner.

Eva Magdalenski: Chelsea told her brother that Eva is slightly mentally retarded.  Apparently, it was hard for the brother, Roy to realize this was a lie because he is a moron, as stated previously.  Oh, she also told him that Eva had two “wooden legs”.  Idiot.

Amy Meyer:  When they were on a boat and Chelsea asked her to sit in the captain’s fishing chair then Chelsea sat on her lap as they enjoyed the view and talked about how lucky they are to share this amazing life and take lavish vacations

“…as she spoke these lovely words, she urinated on me…”

Are you really disliking Chelsea Handler about now?

Glen Handler:  is Chelsea’s brother and had more boring stories of how Chelsea was an obnoxious kid.

Chunk:  her dog.  I like dogs but I can’t even dignify reiterating what was written in a book by a “dog”, it was stupid.

How does she have so many gullible friends?  And where can I find some?

These must be the same people who continue to respond to those emails from Ghana asking for their money to be transferred into your account.

And why do they put up with this constant lying and pranks?  You think it would get so annoying.

Is this book a prank?

Pranks have always backfired for me.  I pulled off a simple little innocent prank at work about three years ago.  A co-worker had recently transferred within the agency but to another location.  It was April Fool’s Day so I called her with all the excitement I could fake and told her I had gotten a job as Don Harman’s assistant!  This makes a little more sense if you’ve read this.  I told her it was almost half the pay and I didn’t think I would have any insurance but I was super excited because I was going to be his assistant!  I told her I was going to quit without giving notice and I didn’t mind half the pay because I lived close to the station–all these ridiculous things.  Our other friends that were in on it waited a little while then we simply texted her, April Fools!  She hasn’t really spoken to me since then.

How can I not get away with that and Chelsea can pee on people?

I read some reviews on Amazon to see what other people were saying.  This one especially caught my eye for obvious reasons:

I have officially read 33% of her new book on my Kindle. I have accomplished nothing this work day, and my students (12th grade) must think I am insane for laughing out loud at various times.  This is by far the best Chelsea Handler book, and I have read all of them!  Thank you, Chelsea for my lack of productivity.

I’m beginning to think I’m the one being pranked here.

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Open Letter to Don Harman

9 May

Dear Don Harman:

I have some explaining to do.

For the last three years in September, you have been notified by a co-worker, Maureen Baker, telling you it’s my birthday and asking you to send a picture.

Kindly, each time, you send one with a witty message about my old age.

 I proudly put them in a frame and display them.

...proudly displayed...

So, today, on your birthday, I feel I should explain how this admiration began.  And how you provided a group of tired social workers, who desperately needed an outlet, a lot of laughs.

It all started rather simply.

I was working in a small office building with a bunch of other social workers.  The agency used just a simple piece of paper, with our name on it, hung by the door to indicate our office.

Fancy.

One day, a co-worker wrote under my name, “likes cats.”

Lisa Reiter likes cats.

This is a lie.

I do not like cats.

She knew that.

So, I printed off a little picture of you and put it over the word cats.

Much better.

You came to mind that day because before work I was sitting in front of the TV watching Fox 4.  You said in the most subtle way:

“Rose checked in and she said she had frost on her van this morning.  I wonder if that van sits down by the river.”

I died.

You didn’t say anything more about it.  No one else commented on it and I wondered if I was the only one that got that Chris Farley reference.

So, it all began that day because I put a little picture of you near my office door.

People would stop in and tell me something funny you said or did.

I got texts from people when you hula-hooped on air.

I got emails when you dressed up like Superman for Halloween and passed out candy.

When you were the master of ceremonies at Paola prom, someone was there and took a picture to send me.

And when you laughed at humping dogs, I laughed at humping dogs.

You were there in my office when I walked in the door on almost every holiday.

...on Cinco de Mayo... Ole!

...on St. Patrick's Day, and Easter, to celebrate happy hour or just to say hi...

...and always on my birthday with Erika Carrillo, the person that made it all happen.

So, happy birthday to you, Don Harman, and thank you for all the laughs you unknowingly provided for us.

Because on a day that looked like this

you made me feel like this

            Received an email from Don Harman on May 11, 2011 in response to this.

Don says:

Hey Lisa!

Wow! We call people like you “stalkers”!

Seriously, you are more than welcome- laughter makes the world go ’round.

Don Harman
Meteorologist
WDAF Fox 4
3030
Summit
Kansas City, MO  64108

Lisa says:  What?  Come. On.  The first indication that I’m not stalking you should be that I keep those pictures on the back of the toilet.

Things thing

3 May

From Facebook 2009.  So things have changed, sadly most have not.

1.  I believe that if Don Harman only knew me, we would be BFF.

2.  I love where I live–Martini Corner.  It’s like the mother ship calling me home.  I love my big front porch.  I’m spoiled by my fun landlord who has great friends and, if I’m good, he will do his yard work with his shirt off.  Thanks for that Jim.  You may never get rid of me.

3.  At the most random places, people will approach me to tell me they swear we had met previously but I never know them.  Most recently the toll taker at the Wellington exit and a barista at the Emporia Starbucks thought they knew me.   This is very odd.

4.  I really don’t like kids.  And I don’t have to.

5.  I hire someone to clean my house.  I do this and don’t feel guilty.

6.  I saw a guy for a few months that failed to mention he was a married and a Southern Baptist Pastor.

He found out the jig was up when I went to church–his church–on Easter Sunday.

I don’t like being lied to.  Southern Baptists don’t like adultery.  Urich Baptist Church didn’t like having to find a new pastor.

I guess we all learned a lesson.

6.5  I love telling the Pastor story.

7.    I’m taking steps to start a non-profit organization.  The fear of having a big dream but not knowing if I will be able to accomplish it, paralyzes me.

8.  Of all the people I’ve ever met, Shaun Kibbe is the kindest person I’ll ever know.  Nicole Jacobs is the most peaceful.  I’m waiting for them to pass on their secret.

9.  I’m tired of hearing how teachers should get paid more.  I was a teacher, I earned step raises and had every holiday, every spring, fall, winter break off, not to mention summer.  If you haven’t noticed, social workers work year around.  And, we have to deal with attorneys.

10.  My best friend from college, Tanya (in ABQ) called Marianne (in OPKS) to let her know my mom died.  Because of that conversation, I found out that two of my closest friends are first cousins.  I had been friends with both of them for years but never made the connection.

11.  I know I’m fat but if you only got to know me you would learn that I’m also sarcastic, angry & opinionated.  People should really become more creative with their insults.  Look deeper.

12.  Sometimes I wonder if the root of all social issues is just selfishness.

13.  Life began when I went to college.  I love my little alma mater that is no more.  I love the people I met there, even Jarad.  Sometimes I still miss it.

14.  I love to follow politics and if I had to do it all again, I would look into this as a career.  I feel the need to lobby for something.

15.  A few years ago I did a couple guest spots as Dr. Lisa on a morning talk radio show with Randy Miller.  The fear of being live on the radio is not like any fear I want to experience again yet I’m flattered I had the opportunity.

16.  I admire people who make hard choices to live the life they are meant to live & aren’t afraid of going against public opinion.  There is more than one way to love, to marry, to parent.  I love debates and opinions but don’t trust people with over-the-top political, religious, personal views that they try to shove down your throat.  I think they’re probably hiding something.

17.  If I don’t read the Sunday paper, my week will feel out of whack.

18.  I’m proud to be part of a sibling group of five that all graduated from college.

19.  I have a feeling that I will look back on this current era in my life and consider it “the good old days”.

20.  When I talk to my dad, he tells me to ‘be good’.  It’s like he knows.

21.  I think that if you’re mad because you’re no longer able to have the lifestyle you’ve become accustomed to, then maybe you should have earned it yourself.

22.  “Down with the Sickness” by Disturbed motivates me.  I’m a firm believer that everyone should get up, come on, get down with the sickness.

23.  I love to make people laugh.  The last thing my mom wrote to me was in a Christmas card that said, “Thanks for all you do, especially when you make us laugh.”  It means the world to me.

24.  I was a foster parent when I was 25 for a kid who was on my caseload.  He was 13 and had been in over 40 placements.  His story tugged at my heart.  He lived with me for about a year.  It was the hardest thing I ever did.  He was the only one in his family to graduate from high school & I was super proud to be at his graduation.  He’s 26 now, living in NJ & we still keep in touch.

25.  I agree that crack is whack.

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