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Tag Archives: Elisabeth Hasselbeck

Revamped Rating System

17 May

I saw the movie, Bridesmaids, over the weekend.

I think it’s time I revamp the G, PG, PG13, R rating system we use for movies.

The current system is in place to indicate what type of adult content you’ll find in the movie and it’s typically used to restrict younger people from being allowed to see some movies.

Similarly, I suggest a system that restricts annoying people from seeing a movie with me and ruining it.

Here are my ideas:

YAMMFU Rating:  Do not bring your 80-year-old grandmother to Bridesmaids.

I know you did, because I saw you there.

Bridesmaids is an incredibly irreverent, raunchy, sexual movie.

I had to sit 3 people down from this old lady and her family and every time Melissa McCarthy’s character said something unbelievably inappropriate and funny or when Jon Hamm was half-naked, I felt weird.

That’s not the feeling you want to feel when Jon Hamm is half-naked.

Grams wasn’t feeling it, either.  She wasn’t laughing, she wasn’t smiling, nothing.  She was, however, grasping onto her walker waiting to bolt out of there.

Well maybe not bolt, but shuffle.

She didn’t mean to but she made me feel kind of bad laughing at the really dirty parts.  And there were a lot of dirty parts.

That’s why this movie should have a YAMMFU- Your Age Makes Me Feel Uncomfortable rating.

The fact that this rating ends in the letters FU is just a coincidence, yet appropriately drives the point home.

If you’re too young or too old for the movie, stay home.  It creeps everyone out.

NPP Rating:  This rating would allow you to see those funny, quirky, light-hearted movies with your fun friends who appreciate the movie for just what it is and lets you to leave your snobby, pretentious friend at home because No Pretentious People allowed with a NPP rating.

We don’t want to hear from you on the way out of the theater about how the cinematography wasn’t believable or you couldn’t connect with the characters.

Please.  You don’t even know what that means.

I agree, the pace in Bridesmaids was a little slow and awkward at times.  I thought that too, but when I was laughing so hard I cried, it made it easy to forget.

Did you anticipate Oscar material?  No.

So take it down a notch.

Go rent Braveheart again because if you try to get in to see a movie like this, they are going to notice your fitted cardigan and know you talk endlessly about wine pairings and they aren’t going to let you in.

“Sir, I can’t help notice how you look down your nose at everyone and you’re wearing loafers, so, I’m sorry, I can’t let you in, this movie has a NPP rating.  People want to enjoy the funny movie without bracing for your judgement.  May I recommend, The English Patient?  You can find it at Redbox.”

And lastly, the YADA Rating.

This rating is used for those movies that are epic period pieces about a war or have ‘sensibility’ in the title or Helen Mirren in the cast.

Some people can’t possibly follow along with these movies because they just aren’t smart enough.  They see the movie with you, they ask a lot of annoying questions and end up feeling bad and telling themselves, “You’re A Dumb Ass”, because they just can’t follow along.  So it gets the YADA rating.

Don’t let your simple friends try to get you to go to a movie like this with them.

You don’t want to hurt their feelings by bringing up the rating so try to distract them using these 2 easy steps:

1.  Make up something Elisabeth Hasselbeck said on The View that day.  They love her.  They will talk about how adorable she is for about 20 minutes and become more moronic in the process.  That’s the Hasselbeck Effect at work.

2.  Then, suggest watching Clueless or Legally Blonde on TBS, instead.  Don’t worry, either movie is always on.  And they fall for it every time.

And that’s OK.

Not everyone has to understand those Mulholland Drive-like films.

But someone has to.

It’s nice we give those pretentious people something to watch sometimes.

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