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Tag Archives: Katie Horner

Near-Catastrophe 2011

25 May

If the tornado sirens didn’t go off for an hour and a half in Midtown, it would have been a nice day to sit outside.

I was on the porch almost the whole time with the quiet rain and the slight breeze and the screeching sirens warning of Near-Catastrophe 2011.

Almost Devastation 2011

Close Call 2011

Over Reaction 2011.

What are we going to call this?

When my Sprint connection failed, the sirens kept blaring and law enforcement drove up and down the main streets sounding their whoop-whoop siren, I had a moment where I thought this may be serious.

But, in my world it was just a little cloudy, windy and rainy.

Am I wrong here or are we just a little gun-shy?

A little Joplin-Shy.

I went inside and turned on the TV to see if they were telling people to get off their porches yet.

My first stop was Fox 4, for obvious reasons.

They had the trifecta in effect.

Meteorologist times 3.

Mike Thompson, Joe Lauria, and Don Harman.

The big guns.

Or, 2 big guns and a little pint-sized cute gun.

They had their jackets off and sleeves rolled up.

That sent the message:  We’re here but we’re keeping it casual for now.  We don’t want it to get all Crazy-Ass Katie Horner up in here just yet.

I switched over to The Weather Channel because I never want to pass an opportunity to check out Mike Bettes.

The Great Tornado Hunt?  I say, The Great Mike Bettes Hunt.

Stephanie Abrams of The Weather Channel reported a tornado touched down in Kansas City at 140-something and Metcalf.

Um.

Hmm.

This is awkward.

Uh.

That isn’t Kansas City, Stephanie.

That’s Johnson County.

Not the time to quibble, I know, but you don’t understand.  That’s about 30 miles away in distance, yet worlds away.

It’s so Johnson County of you to call Johnson County, Kansas City.

They only claim Kansas City out of convenience or affiliation.

“Where are you from?”

“Kansas City!”

“Oh, gosh, really?  Your kids don’t go to school there, do they?  God forbid.  I’m uncomfortable around the homeless.  I saw Kansas City on The First 48.  I could never live there.”

“Oh, I know.  I really live in Overland Park.  I just say Kansas City because it’s easier.  I pass hobos sometimes when I go to the Power & Light.  Bless their hearts but they smell.  Go Chiefs!”

And Steph, big words, I know, but it’s Wyandotte County not Win-in-dot County.

Great slogan for the 7th Street Casino though.

Or did I misunderstand you?

Maybe you were using the expression, “When in Dotte…” like you would say, “When in Rome…”

It’s used in situations like this:

When you arrive at The Legends Shopping Center and you see everyone walking around clutching somewhere around their crotch area, grasping to keep their pants pulled up and you and your friend are the only people with your pants on right, you can look over at your friend, pull your pants down your ass, shrug and say, “Well, when in Dotte…”

I was too scared to switch over to Katie Horner of KCTV5 because, in comparison, she was probably digging mass graves for all her predicted casualties.

I’m a little sideways with these local news affiliates.

Is it really necessary for all of them to be in Joplin reporting?

We already have Anderson Cooper.

Everyone outside of Joplin has more information than the poor people in Joplin.

So, while you’re down there, do something.  Help these people out where they really need it.

Mark Alford, you’re in charge of making a list of all missing persons.

You're not going to need your little step to make you look taller for this job.

Karen Fuller, make a list of every John and Jane Doe in the hospitals.

KMBC, your only job is to Find Will Norton.  Except you, Larry Moore, you just take a seat and talk to other old people.  You deserve it.

Phil Witt and Brad Stephans, put some gloves on, you look like you need to do some manual labor to toughen up a little bit.

Katie Horner, you’re in charge of entertaining the Westboro Baptist Church who’s rumored to be there on Sunday.

You’ve rambled on and on and repeatedly interrupted our lives so I know you have the skills to distract these people.

Use Gary Lezak and Brian Busby if you need to.

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